A Weighing Issue

After having my youngest, I began having gallbladder problems. That resulted in getting it removed.

I was excited to have it removed. I was excited to have bad foods fly through me, making me not want to eat them. I would loose weight and get back to my old, skinny self. Oh how life has other plans. I have no food affects from my surgery. I can eat anything, everything, and a lot of it. I slowly began gaining weight. After talking to my doctor, and doing research, I realized that some bodies respond in a different way. My appetite could not be satisfied.

I have since found ways to control my appetite (most the time). But now is the physical side. A year ago I started working out. I was actually enjoying it. Some days, I worked out twice. I was leading a faith and fitness group at church. Woman were really responding. Then I began having unbearable pain in my lower back. I couldn't sit, stand or step up or down steps. After some tests, I found out I have arthritis in my back. The doctor urged me to loose weight, but said I needed to stop what I was doing. It's like telling someone they have to keep clean but taking away soap and water.

That diagnosis put me in a bad place. I began gaining more weight and became unhappy. I finally reached a point where I needed to change my food first, in hopes of loosing enough weight to ease the pressure on my back. I lost 10 pounds. There was a little less pain on my back, but not enough to resume working out the way I wanted to.

Last night I joined a heart healthy group at church. I was the youngest one there. I did not know we would be working out. I arrived in jeans and flats. Yup...we were going to work out. A mile in, I felt the pain. In my defense, flats are not supportive shoes. At the beginning of the 2nd mile, I had to bow out. Had I came prepared wearing the right gear, I would have been fine. But I wasn't ready. As I drove away, I began beating myself up. I was the youngest in the room...most of the woman were over 50. I went to the store and bought an overly indulgent dessert. I came home, sat on my couch and ate it. I was full of shame.

Now I know I am not huge. I know that I am hundreds of pounds away from being removed from my house by a crane. But I still feel bad. I have allowed food and circumstances to control me. I have a 50 pound road ahead of me. It's not going to be easy. There will be tears. The will be victories. It will take some time.

The verse that I am clinging to is 1 Corinthians 10:23 "Everything is permissable, but not everyone is beneficial. Everything is permissable, but not everything is constructive."

Remember this verse as you go through your journey in life. You are welcome to join me in mine,

WHO am I? Do you find yourself asking who you are? What you do? What should you do? Have you become complacent? Antsy? I have.

What I know to be true... I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and most importantly, a messy woman of God. I LOVE Christmas, snow, eating, cooking, and shopping. I have many insecurities that hold me back. I fear I'll fail. I am real, honest, and open about my life. My mouth gets me into trouble and my thoughts are not always nice (I'm a work in progress).

Is this enough? Have I lost myself in my small little life? The answer is YES! Now I do not regret my life. I love my husband and kids and the life we have created. But I'm lost. As of late, I have been wondering what I want to be when I grow up...yup I'm 31. I'm not speaking in terms of a career. What are my passions? What are my gifts? How can I serve others? I am on a journey of seeking and growing.

So what's with Martha and Mary... Luke 10:38-42 tells the story of sisters. Martha and Mary. Martha welcomed Jesus into her home. While she consumer her time with all that "needed to be done". Her sister Mary sat at Jesus's feet. Martha became upset that Mary left her to do all the work herself.

As much as I desire to be a Mary, I am a Martha. I am consumed in what needs to be done. But I believe God has called me to a life of balance. Now excuse while I look up the definition of balance. In the meantime, join me on my journey.